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A Nice Change
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a bit disturbing but not completely unreasonable:P
In L1 - I don't like the word "Whilst", I think you could sharpen the image just by saying "Watching you sleep in my king sized bed" would suffice. Or even a bit more "Show" "Watching you sleep in my king sized bed, your chest moves gently up and down"
In L5 - I"d remove the word "As"
The more I read it, the more I like it. I've felt like this a time or two. (and red is my favourite colour, in fact my bed room walls are painted blood red)
----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
by Shan on May 26 2008