More in Need to tighten this one up. Suggestions?
Need to tighten this one up. Suggestions?
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Are you revising this for someone else? I’m curious why Ann Marie doesn’t join the site.
First, a few technicals: S2L1: Should be God’s. L2: I believe a comma was intended after “sunshine” and in L4 after “faith”. The same for the last line of S3.
I really think that S3L1 really needs to be the last line of S2 to unify the “M” alliteration. In S2L2, I think the “her” should be deleted:
as she peered through God’s bolted door,
back to sunshine, face to shadows
Also, I would change the beginning of S2L5
to “inhale” (instead of “to breathe in”). I don’t think the “to” is necessary. The other suggestion is for S5L1: Substituting the antecedent for “they”.
but the light changed as lights will
Am I correct that you mean (S5) to say you sold your mother’s pearls. That’s the obvious interpretation. I didn’t know if I was missing a subtler message.
I liked this poem immensely. It’s a small vignette that provides a universal insight. “Back to sunshine, face to shadows” is both great imagery and symbolism; “precipice” is perfectly precious; and the lip print / stained glass reference is a wonderful metaphor.
Again, who is this Ann Marie?
Alcuin
First, a few technicals: S2L1: Should be God’s. L2: I believe a comma was intended after “sunshine” and in L4 after “faith”. The same for the last line of S3.
I really think that S3L1 really needs to be the last line of S2 to unify the “M” alliteration. In S2L2, I think the “her” should be deleted:
as she peered through God’s bolted door,
back to sunshine, face to shadows
Also, I would change the beginning of S2L5
to “inhale” (instead of “to breathe in”). I don’t think the “to” is necessary. The other suggestion is for S5L1: Substituting the antecedent for “they”.
but the light changed as lights will
Am I correct that you mean (S5) to say you sold your mother’s pearls. That’s the obvious interpretation. I didn’t know if I was missing a subtler message.
I liked this poem immensely. It’s a small vignette that provides a universal insight. “Back to sunshine, face to shadows” is both great imagery and symbolism; “precipice” is perfectly precious; and the lip print / stained glass reference is a wonderful metaphor.
Again, who is this Ann Marie?
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on June 15 2007