Need to tighten this one up. Suggestions?

Melden Fred Associate, 1848 posts	on June 15 2007 Are you revising this for someone else? I’m curious why Ann Marie doesn’t join the site. First, a few technicals: S2L1: Should be God’s. L2: I believe a comma was intended after “sunshine” and in L4 after “faith”. The same for the last line of S3. I really think that S3L1 really needs to be the last line of S2 to unify the “M” alliteration. In S2L2, I think the “her” should be deleted: as she peered through God’s bolted door, back to sunshine, face to shadows Also, I would change the beginning of S2L5 to “inhale” (instead of “to breathe in”). I don’t think the “to” is necessary. The other suggestion is for S5L1: Substituting the antecedent for “they”. but the light changed as lights will Am I correct that you mean (S5) to say you sold your mother’s pearls. That’s the obvious interpretation. I didn’t know if I was missing a subtler message. I liked this poem immensely. It’s a small vignette that provides a universal insight. “Back to sunshine, face to shadows” is both great imagery and symbolism; “precipice” is perfectly precious; and the lip print / stained glass reference is a wonderful metaphor. Again, who is this Ann Marie? Alcuin
Derma Kaputfrom Possum Grape, Arkansas Associate, 2156 posts	on June 15 2007 Ann Marie is Emily Rose, sort of like Fred is Alcuin. I thought the imagery in this was very good. Without really going in depth, the first thing I'd do on this poem is find a way to clarify the end - like Alcuin, I think I made the correct assumption, but the final three lines make me feel very disconnected to the poem as a whole.
Emily Rosefrom The Top of the Heap 159 posts	on June 15 2007 Wonderful suggestions, hugs and kisses to you both. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Alcuin, for your indepth edit. Derma love, what image comes to mind with that last stanza and how might I connect it, do you think?
Emily Rosefrom The Top of the Heap 159 posts	on June 15 2007 Does that read better? Oh, the comma is not there as I do not use them. It's silly, but I do not use or use as little as possible, punctuation.
Derma Kaputfrom Possum Grape, Arkansas Associate, 2156 posts	on June 18 2007 I've had to think long and hard on that question, and re-read this quite a number of times. It seems to be pointedly ambiguous at the end - sell her pearls? sacrifice her pearls of wisdom (somehow)? I don't know. The actual image I get from the final stanza is yourself driving away from the stoplight, making mental connections between what you saw and what you remember of your mother, or of the errand you're on. Perhaps its all of this, or something more elusive. What I like about the poem, besides the strong imagery, is all the word play with christian symbols. The poem seems very ripe, yet still elusive. Whatever changes you made, I can't say I know for sure what they were. Still, I like the poem quite a bit. And it still disconnects me some, though I have no suggestions. Which is somehow fitting.

Need to tighten this one up. Suggestions?

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