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For now you are a one-instrument orchestra. You play the sound of the Vietnam Vet. Totally understandable. Also, you play it well. Play it for as long as you need to, brother, but I hope in time you'll gradually take up other writing themes as well. I'd like to see you expand both your writing and your hearts-expression.
If this were crap, I might not tell you it's crap in exactly that terminology, but I definitely wouldn't praise it. So I am absoultely straight when I say this is really good. The "jigsaw puzzle" line is terse and effective - wonderful metaphor and imagery. Makes me a bit jealous. The only part that I disliked was "red-lensed lamps". The tongue just doesn't go from the "d" to the "l". I suggest something like "red lamp lenses" or if that is objectionable to you, just removing the "-ed".
Also, it should be "nineteen-year-old". You've got the 1st part at the end of a line, so the 1st dash might need to be eliminated to prevent incorrect phrasing for the reader.
I don't know if it fits your meaning appropriately, but you might consider for the last line, "but I wouldn't listen".
Alcuin
If this were crap, I might not tell you it's crap in exactly that terminology, but I definitely wouldn't praise it. So I am absoultely straight when I say this is really good. The "jigsaw puzzle" line is terse and effective - wonderful metaphor and imagery. Makes me a bit jealous. The only part that I disliked was "red-lensed lamps". The tongue just doesn't go from the "d" to the "l". I suggest something like "red lamp lenses" or if that is objectionable to you, just removing the "-ed".
Also, it should be "nineteen-year-old". You've got the 1st part at the end of a line, so the 1st dash might need to be eliminated to prevent incorrect phrasing for the reader.
I don't know if it fits your meaning appropriately, but you might consider for the last line, "but I wouldn't listen".
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on June 11 2007