~A Love~

Hi Sim -- a quick comment as a cue to keep you yawning

I tend to agree with Derma's comments, especially in relation to the form. Iambic Pentameter has been adopted as the standard for 'English' sonnets (and for 'English' poetry in general) because it's regaded as reflecting the natural rhythm of spoken English, although it's true that no regular metrical structure can account for all patterns and variations of speech in any language. I think the pertinent phrase there is 'natural rhythm'. Perhaps that's most relevant here in S3, which I agree needs some revision. It's presented as 4 straight, stopped sentences; that might be regarded as 'unpoetic' in style, too regular to represent a natural structure in terms of speech, development of ideas and imagery. I'd also reconsider the use of inversion in the first line. Unless you're deliberately attempting to emulate the style of 'classical' poets for a particular purpose, I'd avoid disrupting the normal language structure where possible. As Derma says, it forces some readers to stop and consider the meaning of a line when subject and object clauses of verbs are placed in an unfamiliar order. Of course, that's just my take on it.

The opening of line 4 (Under) is easily rectified by using 'beneath', where the 'natural' stress is on the second syllable.

Good to see a sonnet being posted Sim -- I've always suspected you of being an inveterate masochist