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Laurie's version was radically different, and perhaps better, I'm not sure. However, I offer my version up, and perhaps someone else would like to fuse the two.
My initial take on Laurie's post was that it lacked a bit of color, and seemed a bit too much in the 'tell' vein rather than the 'show'. The two lines that i didn't like, I just removed. Lines 2 and 7. To add form I changed this into 4 couplets and tried to consolidate her images into one thematic one. As is usually the case with me, that leads back to either monkeys or tea, so -- tea it was.
For some reason, I wanted to add some alliteration to the first line so I substituted the banshee for the soul, an softened the 'cries' to 'breath'. I then added the 'souls' back to fill out the line, and broke them.
It seemed to me that wind should be singular, not plural and i wanted to expand the feeling of anguish darkness, which I did by making the wind tongueless, which seemed to me a bit of a horror picture image.
Next I focused on tying in the tea, with the spoon, the thick syrup, the steeped, the honey, the steam and the mug.
ALl the while, I was trying to work on the metaphor for rage. I don't think it is at all finished.
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Cries of souls against bitter windsA selfish thought makes things worseStomach turns on syrupy wordsThirst makes it taste so much betterBlind and deaf coldly connectWIthin the space time continuumLet them go, you are done here.
My initial take on Laurie's post was that it lacked a bit of color, and seemed a bit too much in the 'tell' vein rather than the 'show'. The two lines that i didn't like, I just removed. Lines 2 and 7. To add form I changed this into 4 couplets and tried to consolidate her images into one thematic one. As is usually the case with me, that leads back to either monkeys or tea, so -- tea it was.
For some reason, I wanted to add some alliteration to the first line so I substituted the banshee for the soul, an softened the 'cries' to 'breath'. I then added the 'souls' back to fill out the line, and broke them.
It seemed to me that wind should be singular, not plural and i wanted to expand the feeling of anguish darkness, which I did by making the wind tongueless, which seemed to me a bit of a horror picture image.
Next I focused on tying in the tea, with the spoon, the thick syrup, the steeped, the honey, the steam and the mug.
ALl the while, I was trying to work on the metaphor for rage. I don't think it is at all finished.
- stephan
by Anstey on Apr. 9 2007