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Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.
More in Milk and Honey Milk and HoneyI very much like the idea of this, and the general feel is reminiscent of the beat. However, I think their a faux-sparseness that isnt' working or me. There are many places where you could cut back to strengthen and tighten the piece, and I think some lost opportunities for allussions to intensify the title, or the homage to the era to which this seems to pine.
I think you want to make wander active. "I wander" and just as a point here, wander down the road is a bit common, you've clearly got a sharp vocab and great image you're trying to build here. I would really love to see you use a sharper verb there.
Why not? Is this even necessary?
This is, seemingly to me, redundant to the line later in this very stanza regarding your lost judgement. While they're not exactly the same thing, they're close enough that it felt unnecessarily repetitive to me.
I don't thiink you need the repetition of 'lost my.' You could, i suppose list them with the 'my' or more horizontally 'Lost my job, wife and judgement'
I like this a lot.
I'd get rid of the 'just'
I feel like either the 'that's all i'll say' or the 'just in case' should be in parens as an aside. I think the accentuation would make it much sharper. That's definitely a nice place to start as you move this piece forward. Regardless, I don't mean to bore you with my suggestions. I just wanted to offer a little different way you could go with this. Great to have you David!
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