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"That is the gorilla" inside you? Does this have anything to do with Shakespeare's Monkeys? Oh, never mind.
I think the first 2 lines should be on one line. I think it would make a stronger opening. The rest of the line lengths are fine. I think the strongest lines after the opening are S4.
Strong stuff, this, and I'm surprised you refer to it as a draft.
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on Nov. 20 2007