More in Evidence Collection
Evidence Collection
| << Previous |
This is pretty damn good. So much so that all I have are quibbles. So I will quibble
Why the question mark at the end of line one? The end of the question is actually at the end of stanza 4 where a natural break occurs anyway. Or right at the end if the whole is one sentence rather than the 2 I see it as. I'd be tempted to remove it entirely to allow for the alternative readings of this, but maybe that's just me.
I would change 'when' in line 2 to 'as' to make it more in the moment.
In stanza 4 I would have either 'and' or 'then' but not both. To me you do not need the extra word here.
Why the question mark at the end of line one? The end of the question is actually at the end of stanza 4 where a natural break occurs anyway. Or right at the end if the whole is one sentence rather than the 2 I see it as. I'd be tempted to remove it entirely to allow for the alternative readings of this, but maybe that's just me.
I would change 'when' in line 2 to 'as' to make it more in the moment.
In stanza 4 I would have either 'and' or 'then' but not both. To me you do not need the extra word here.
by Pags on Oct. 27 2007