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I'm not sure what to say. The concept is fresh and interesting, though descriptions of paintings & such have been done before. However, and ironically (given that it's about a painted scene), you spend most of the time telling us rather than showing us. You use a lot of simple present tense ("roads lead...we see...accommodates"), which is OK, but then switch to "blanket sky enveloping". Also, I think it should be "narrows to", rather than "into". The final stanza, I guess is supposed to show it's only a drunken vision, but I feel it's less effective because the preceding lines are surrealistic in the parade of images, but not in the writing style. This mismatch of subject and style is, I think, the weakest aspect.
Alcuin
This comment has inspired:
- » Limeymcfrog on Oct. 2 2007 - Alcuin of York: I think the biggest flaw is simply ...
by Alcuin of York on Sep. 28 2007