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concupiscence
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This poem made me think of a G.M. Hopkins poem that is also superficially about nature
it ends:
"it's the blight that man was born for
It is Margaret you mourn for"
Gardens and forests really do make fantastic vistas for inner joy or depression.
I think the third stanza is incredible. The image of the speaker hidden under the leaves of the willow and seeking answers from the ground and then the cicada image. Cicadas that burrow and live under the ground giving the reader a small hint of death and suicide imagery. And the sound of cicadas as a sound of mourning.... it's really an incredible stanza top to bottom.
Stanzas one and three are by far the best, any changes you make their should be superficial if any.
Stanza 5 strikes me as emotionally honest, but bereft of the strong imagery present to this point. If there could be an expression of guilt through an observation or action of the speaker it would carry a heavier emotional payload. All in all this stanza is the only place where you "tell" us instead of "showing" us.
I like stanza seven but I think your diction gets a little to formal and syllabic at the end. "re-immersion in barren slumber" is to busy in its wording for me. maybe just a simpler expression for one of those ideas would free it up.
Just some musings. Really a fantastic poem.
it ends:
"it's the blight that man was born for
It is Margaret you mourn for"
Gardens and forests really do make fantastic vistas for inner joy or depression.
I think the third stanza is incredible. The image of the speaker hidden under the leaves of the willow and seeking answers from the ground and then the cicada image. Cicadas that burrow and live under the ground giving the reader a small hint of death and suicide imagery. And the sound of cicadas as a sound of mourning.... it's really an incredible stanza top to bottom.
Stanzas one and three are by far the best, any changes you make their should be superficial if any.
Stanza 5 strikes me as emotionally honest, but bereft of the strong imagery present to this point. If there could be an expression of guilt through an observation or action of the speaker it would carry a heavier emotional payload. All in all this stanza is the only place where you "tell" us instead of "showing" us.
I like stanza seven but I think your diction gets a little to formal and syllabic at the end. "re-immersion in barren slumber" is to busy in its wording for me. maybe just a simpler expression for one of those ideas would free it up.
Just some musings. Really a fantastic poem.
by Limeymcfrog on June 11 2007