More in a kiss before embarking
a kiss before embarking
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I really like the rhythm of this. I have a few suggestions for you to consider. First stanza whispering is spelled wrong. Maybe“(Oh) whispering winds tell me a story “ In the first two stanzas your last lines begin the same with “sunlight” but then you don’t carry it through in the last two stanzas. I think it would be better to be consistent or re-work the last line in each stanza. You also use “of gold” in the fourth line of each stanza. Maybe if you changed colors in each stanza it might work better. Jeez, I hope that made sense.
The last line in the first stanza needs something more. Maybe “sunlight upon your breeze.” All of the last lines in each stanza could use a little tweaking, just something to make them stand out more.
by Jen on May 23 2007