More in what mosquitoes whispered
what mosquitoes whispered
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You know, this is the kind of writing that's going to set you apart from the madding crowd -- calm, elegant narrative with some really delicate phrasing, even of the rather gross images like "until seeds snowed sick on my thick boy tongue".
In S5 you have two uses of "then" in the second line. This doesn't work for me. In the next stanza, the repetition of "so" is good except in "the water so alive" -- the reason this isn't great, I feel, is the two syllables of "alive" as opposed to the staccatos following: thick, quick, slick. You could consider just getting rid of "so" entirely in that first instance.
I have been sitting here trying to figure out what this style reminds me of and I remembered just as I was going to get my coffee. Even thoughts of caffeine are stimulating. There is a marvellous book by an Australian writer, Alan Marshall, called I can Jump Puddles. I can't recommend it highly enough.
In S5 you have two uses of "then" in the second line. This doesn't work for me. In the next stanza, the repetition of "so" is good except in "the water so alive" -- the reason this isn't great, I feel, is the two syllables of "alive" as opposed to the staccatos following: thick, quick, slick. You could consider just getting rid of "so" entirely in that first instance.
I have been sitting here trying to figure out what this style reminds me of and I remembered just as I was going to get my coffee. Even thoughts of caffeine are stimulating. There is a marvellous book by an Australian writer, Alan Marshall, called I can Jump Puddles. I can't recommend it highly enough.
by Leanne on Apr. 27 2007