Invertebrate - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Invertebrate

Girl of Hept

See this eye
As it bleeds black
Crimson dripping from my hand
Now do you understand
Why I said my back was broken
Dreams shattered
Why it was time to be angry
This suffering
Deifies me
As I crush my spine
There isn't a single thing you can do
Still
I see your fingers curl
My nerves unfurl
You stitch the wound on my back
As I stagger
As I pale
Dead I fall

Invertebrate - Version 2.0
Girl of Hept

See this eye
Black
Wisdom dripping from my hand
Understand

Why my back was broken
Dreams shattered
Why it was time to be angry
The suffering
Deified me
Excised my spine

There was much to do

I see your fingers curl
My nerves unfurl
Stitching the wound on my back
As I staggered
Drenched in the sweat of ecstasy

Man made
Machine born

I am the eviscerated male

Perfect of mind and form

Inert

I fall

Leanne -

Mos, the invertebrate idea is a cool one and there's a poem here for sure, but you've hidden it under a lot of emo/ goth language that is not helping your cause at all. Examples of angsty cliches: "bleeds black", "crimson dripping", (besides, that goes from black to crimson awfully quickly), "dreams shattered", and the out-of-place inverted syntax of "dead I fall" is a hallmark of the genre as well. I would love to see the middle of this poem drawn out with more creative language. I don't mean to be so negative, honest -- but you're a fine writer and you deserve to be lifted out of the pack.

Mosquitobyte -

Thanks Leanne, always appreciate your comments. I'll give it some thought and see if we can put some life in this old piece.

Me? Emo? aaaaarrrrrrggghhhh

I hate Emo!!!!

Mos.

Leanne -

Emu then?

Mosquitobyte -

Well Leanne, I did something I have rarely done, torn it to pieces and reworked it almost completely. I think it's much better now and does espouse my meaning much better this time.

Mos.