Night - Shakespeare's Monkeys

night

night

the sky was clear
and framed in fir.
I tried to remember
where the shooting stars were.

eastern sky, high

straight up from us
as we lay
flat on our backs
outside our house.

the cat crept
across the deck,
along your voice,

"there's one. did you see it?"

and I asked
"did you make a wish?"

"yes," you said
in the Oregon dark.

Alcuin of York -

S1 begins in a rather pedestrian way. I think something more succinct would be better: "A clear sky / framed in fir" - or something similar - would set the scene better. You've used that kind of voice in the single-line S2, and it works well.

I like S4 the best. The first two lines repeat the "K" sound, making them musical, and the odd analogy of the third line catches us unaware. Very nice. Also, the poem's ending leaves us hanging, wondering what the wish was; also nice.

Alcuin

Norm -
Thanks for the read and comments.

Tracey -
I like this, but what "stops" me is the "remembering" in line 3. The rest of the piece seems to be more "present," though it is remembered. Does that make sense? In the light of day I may be able to better explain myself.

Norm -
Thanks for the comment. I'm going to think about what you said about 'remember.'

Anstey -
I agree with Alcuin on S1, but really love the rest. I wonder if maybe you could just remove S1 all together? That ending is killer.
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stephan

Someday In May -
I agree with Stephan. I read it both ways, with S1 and without. I think the rest of the poem is strong enough it stands well without it. The last three stanzas really tie all the imagery togther nicely.
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...but what do I know?