dotted lines and a map of me

i knew a girl named scarlet
who had a brown eye, and a half..
the other half was blue

she told me,
everyone goes through
a phase

i'm over you.

it's twenty years later
and i still think of her.

on my birthday once
i had pea soup, because
it was exactly what i wanted

with bits of ham
and the peas smoothed into
a mash.

on the day the last episode of M.A.S.H. aired
i was at home
watching on a 12" black and white TV

and i cried
when the chicken died.

not because I love chickens
they smell bad,
and when i was 7

we went to the animal farm
and one pecked my left calf
leaving a little mark
that's still there

like the scar om my right hand
from where I fell on a rake
running

after i was told not to
i was spinning in the school parking lot
with Heidi Fawlett

when she got too close
and my hand knocked her
out cold

in 1978
i was able to walk
across the ice
on top of the snow

and then, fly down the hill
at the church next door
on a sliver of bondi-blue plastic

until my mother called
i didn't know my sister
was hurt

it was 8 in the morning
when Jen ran up to me
screaming, "Katie cut her finger"

i told her to get to class
and let the nurse deal with it
but,

by then she was already on the ambulance
throwing up cheerios
the contractions where only
a few minutes apart

we made it to the hospital
but she was already dead
66 years old,

i was in the room
when the doctor
turn off the machine

and i didn't cry right then
it was later
when i heard Vincent's Song

in the car with my father
on the way home
we talked about Graduation

but I didn't care
i don't remember anything
after that for four days
i sat in my room
it was dark
very very dark

my mind stopped
and it still hasn't started again.

That's me. you know?