2- Aphasic 
on June 30 2008
No Rene, I don't think it's'trite' - perhaps not exceptionally original, but then I can't write this kind of stuff at all, so please disregard my comments :>
Nevertheless, I'm not convinced you need that concluding line - for me, it detracts from the antithesis preceding it.
Also, I'd consider swapping the first and third sections - the 'ashes' scenario would seem to be a more 'natural' culmination of a progression in this Q & A series?
Finally, reams of empathy 
3- Rene' 
on Jul. 1 2008
Thank you both so very much! I have incorporated both of your ideas into this small poem and I think I like it much better. I love the revision process, I live for it actually. Let me know what you think...and again, many thanks.
----- I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
4- Aphasic 
on Jul. 1 2008
Yeh - it delivers more poignancy in concise form, I think - and you also have an interplay between contrasting allusions to ' death'.
5- Callooh on Jul. 1 2008
nicely done...
1- Callooh
on June 30 2008
I like this. what do you think about taking out the intro lines to each stanza? the "you ask...." lines. I think it could be stronger without them. just a thought....