A few suggestions: S3: “My shoulders tired from hunching / making room for others’ waste”. I think it’s a bit cleaner. Also, in S11, I think “see / will” would work better than “saw / would”, unless the “when” were changed to “if”. In the last strophe, “hasn’t” sounds better to my ear. I haven’t read Yeats, but I will. In any case, your poem should stand on its own as well, and overall I think it does so rather well. I like your assonances, and the style of their use, which I have also become attracted to in my own writing lately. I see a lot of other places where the lines could be tightened a bit here and there. I also like the way you placed, “Like a fossilized peacock” in it’s own strophe, serving to complete the thoughts of the ones before and after. I think you’re developing an interesting approach, and I hope you keep perfecting it so we can enjoy more of these. Alcuin
There are no monkeys here. If you're looking for monkeys, go away. Well, actually there are monkeys, but they're of the hairless variety that writes poetry and such. If that's not what you're looking for move along.
1- Alcuin of York
on June 17 2007
I haven’t read Yeats, but I will. In any case, your poem should stand on its own as well, and overall I think it does so rather well. I like your assonances, and the style of their use, which I have also become attracted to in my own writing lately. I see a lot of other places where the lines could be tightened a bit here and there. I also like the way you placed, “Like a fossilized peacock” in it’s own strophe, serving to complete the thoughts of the ones before and after.
I think you’re developing an interesting approach, and I hope you keep perfecting it so we can enjoy more of these.
Alcuin