quiet. love.

this is an excellent love poem in the making, I really like it. it has a nice flow (needs some polishing in spots) and is funny and romantic in an unexpected way.

some sugestions I would make, somehow tweek the sun/skin/you/sin lines, they're not quite there yet, S3L4 try ''within'', S4L4 ''you say that you know'', S5L4 what about ''but it comes out quite hushed" (goes with the quiet theme), S6L4 ''with a blissful sweet lie'',  S7L2 "on a pond of black glass'', the last two lines here don't work too well for me, just a thought for S8L4 ''it don't do the trick'', last stanza add ''and'' to L2, and the last lines... again I'm not sure about them...

I love the teeth, dust, eye rolling, ticks etc - I think these are what I like best about this love poem. ( few of my favourite things, so to speak!)