More in 11. empty
11. empty
| << Previous | Next >> |
Jasmine: “lain” is incorrect. It’s a past participle (rather than past) and would be used as “had lain”. “Lying” is, I believe, what you intend here.
Inversely, S3L1 should be “lie to your side”, since he is not putting something to his side (the hands are “in [his] hair”.
The comma in the middle of S4L2 should be removed because the line is really one thought. Perhaps some earlier draft used the “swollen already” to interrupt a longer phrase. At first I didn’t like “in those days” – cliche, plain, etc. But on rereading this a few times I came to the conclusion that it gives a slightly lonely feeling to the piece, which conveys the title theme subtly. One problem is the absence of time between the sex of the first 3 strophes, and the swollen belly. The strophe break is insufficient. Perhaps I am insufficiently subtle, but something should mark time – dashes, or perhaps a plain line by itself: “time, time, time” or some other word repetition.
At first I misunderstood “teeth bared in a grin” Obviously I should have picked up that it went with the rest of the same stanza.
I think this is closer to done than you think. You might consider combining some or all of the first 3 strophes. This might express in form the contrasting experiences you’re describing. Hope this has been helpful
Alcuin
Inversely, S3L1 should be “lie to your side”, since he is not putting something to his side (the hands are “in [his] hair”.
The comma in the middle of S4L2 should be removed because the line is really one thought. Perhaps some earlier draft used the “swollen already” to interrupt a longer phrase. At first I didn’t like “in those days” – cliche, plain, etc. But on rereading this a few times I came to the conclusion that it gives a slightly lonely feeling to the piece, which conveys the title theme subtly. One problem is the absence of time between the sex of the first 3 strophes, and the swollen belly. The strophe break is insufficient. Perhaps I am insufficiently subtle, but something should mark time – dashes, or perhaps a plain line by itself: “time, time, time” or some other word repetition.
At first I misunderstood “teeth bared in a grin” Obviously I should have picked up that it went with the rest of the same stanza.
I think this is closer to done than you think. You might consider combining some or all of the first 3 strophes. This might express in form the contrasting experiences you’re describing. Hope this has been helpful
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on May 31 2007