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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in She believes in Fairies

She believes in Fairies

In her favourite purple bikini
With tinker bell
Peeking around her mid section
She swims bravely by
Two girls about eleven years
Holding hostage all
The floating mats

 I would consider parentheses around (with Tinkerbell
peeking around her mid-section)

I would also capitalize Tinkerbell as it's a name, and hyphenate mid-section.  And I think you want it to read 'eleven-year-old'

She clutches tightly
Her little, well used yellow mat
And a Floating noodle
Gets to the middle of the pool
Scrambles up
Into a Zen position
well-used is hyphenated.  I'd put a comma after as well, or perhaps remove litle and get rid of the comma there and add one after floating noodle. I don't like the word 'gets' -- you probably want a more swimmy verb to get across the motion of the moment. I think the 'zen position' is actualy a 'lotus' position. I'm not sure though, you might want to look it up.

Places her noodle
In front of her
Into the chlorinated water
And cross legged
Fishes for dreams

 Again, i'd consider parens around (cross-legged) -- as an aside, i think it's marvelous. It does add a lot to that snapshot.

I think the first three lines of this stanza are a bit awkward.

"Places the noodle in front of her into the chlorinated water" reads a bit more naturally, though you might feel the 'her' is vital to your point. In that case i might get rod if 'in front of her' all together.

Really excellent little poem Shannon.

 

 


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  • stephan

by Anstey on May 22 2007