Interjaculate Memoir

 First of all I like the concept, but this one seems to much "tell" and not enough "show".

In your first stanza instead of telling us what kind of eyes she has, show us, make us envision the look she gives you with those eyes, makes us FEEL the sex!

In the second stanza, the first line doesnt make sence to me, did you mean are instead of ate?

As usual I enjoy reading your work