The Compass

Okay, this comment is probably going to be a bit strenuous to read, but I want to go through this write. I have been reading your work here and there, as you've been posting, trying to familiarize myself before jumping in and offering. So here I go...

We should stop wanting this;

pretended point of reference,

we don't/can't share.

-- I really like these opening lines, but...these lines I found distracting.

With hunger, love spoons round

diverging lines.

...it is not that they aren't good lines. They are. To me, they just stick out too abruptly and lack adherence, then again, I might be missing something.

Last night's

miscalculated sum,

thoughtlessly tossed in the air

by intimate euphoria,

costing the life

of some unnamed road,

which I must now

rename and move.

-- Love the metaphor you have going here, nicely transitioned too (from sum to road.)

My eyes

survey each horizon's

heartless spine,

I hear/think birds

that fly from me,

by estimated latitudes,

wings opening

dark maps imprecisely,

like an empty hand.

--- here, while “I hear/think” goes with the previous “don't/can't” I think it would read better without it, to keep your presence in the write there but not overly forceful. I also think that “imprecisely” is too long a word.

My eyes

survey each horizon's

hearless spine,

birds that fly from me

by estimated latitutude,

wings opening

dark maps

like an empty hand.

--- And what about taking out the “there are” in the following line?

No marks

made to misdirect

your passion's kiss,

--And here, “distant touch,” I felt was going too far. It might sound better just as...

My graphite mouth

dreamed tracing

the lips of dangerous landscapes;

The reason that I am making suggestions like this is because I feel like the write is often over emphasized, I feel that you are confirming too much, where things are already felt, hinted and derived from previous lines. Therefore, when I suggest to take out a line, it is not because it is not good, but rather because I don't think that it is needed.

So I'm going to leave you with this. I will state that this is entirely my opinion and I hope that it has helped in some way or another. I hope that this gave you some idea of what I'm getting at. Overall this has awesome potential and I really like the stark way that you write. It just needs a little refining.

-Emeya