I've always wanted to write a poem about a smile but I found it to be very difficult.
I really like what you've done here.I think you just need to find a rhythm/meter and stick with it; the rest will fall in place. I think that might be a contributing factor to the "clunk" problem.:)
There are no monkeys here. If you're looking for monkeys, go away. Well, actually there are monkeys, but they're of the hairless variety that writes poetry and such. If that's not what you're looking for move along.