Chaffin C. E. 5 posts | Well done, Tequila. A nice formal piece on the loss of love and meaning in poetry. Help has risen from the East in Milosz and others in bringing back poetry to the center of truth. The poet's longing for such a state in the midst of the contemporary scene is understandable. And love is the one value that truth most needs; without it, truth is sterile. The only difficulty I see in this poem is one of diction; if you consistently use words like "tatterdemalion" and "augury" and such, you place yourself firmly in the language of one hundred years ago. Maybe that's where you want to be, when Yeats was still writing. But I think you could pimp this up into more modern language and get a better reception, should that interest you. Above all avoid inversions, as in: " I act the hawkshaw, searching for some gold. In sanctuary's safety I explore, Insensate, as the trail I trace grows old and febrile flights of fancy I endure. Robert Frost dispensed with such inversions, still wrote great formal poetry, and since that time inversions are looked upon as anachronistic. Still, if it works for you, the poet is always king! Enjoyed, CE
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![]() Leanne Hansonfrom Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3708 posts | I have no problems with inversions since these are not horribly awkward ones (and I'm backward anyway), but you have to fix the meter in L5 to something like "The ragamuffin heroes spew their rants". Some of the other lines are a bit on the forced side but I can get around that by shifting stresses, since they're fairly arbitrary and dialect-driven I suspect (L7 especially, I have to say "conCRETE" which is arse about for me). In L-can't be bothered counting that far I scan as "now ON the THREshold OF new MAJesty" -- now, that's iambic and there's no worries technically but you have strong stresses on two completely useless words (on and of), which is a waste of emphasis, so I'd suggest a rethink on that one. I do like the juxtaposition of the formal language with bum piss. Nice. Would like to see "idiots and philistines", just to drive it home. |
![]() Fallica thomas 46 posts |
C. E. : i have 'pimped up' a few poems but i don't think i wish to move away from the language employed here....my formal pieces tend to recognize the heritage of this wonderful language we call English......I can do Brooklyn too.....but not here.....thanx for the input |