The owl - Shakespeare's Monkeys

the owl

I am not
the peaceful owl
sleeping
inside the raging storm

I am the tempest
seething blackness
blinding charcoal
clouds my air

I am churning, ruptured
jagged lightening
edges chewing
shredding heart, liver,
bowels, carving pieces
of mouth, lips and tongue

I gag on flesh, and blood and teeth
my voice the sounds of thickened liquids
overflowing raw trembling flesh
shouting thunder jolts my bones
smashing like dry branches
crushing and grinding the broken ends
the sharpened shards slicing muscle

I search for the owl's tree
old and steady
small and unafraid
but he is not visible to me
my soul the shredding thunder is
lost in pewter clouds

Leanne -
Brilliant mood creation -- for the last line you might think about "lost in pewter clouds" to give a little more punch. I will come back to this when my stomach settles a bit

Anstey -
I'm curious abit aobut the lack of stanzas, I agree with leanne on the last line.

Callooh -

Leanne:

good point - thanks for the editing - sorry about your tummy....

Callooh -

Anstey:

It came as one blob to me. how would you place the stanzas? I've never been much good at that sort of thing. (and I agree with Leanne too!) thanks!

Anstey -

I was thinking at the "I's"

Callooh -

Anstey:

there's a thought. will come back to it after this weekend with a fresh brain...

thanks!

Rene' -

I agree with Stephan about the stanza breaks. I may come back and play with this one a little later. I like, I like!

----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Rene' -

I came back to play with this;

I am not
the peaceful owl
sleeping
inside the raging storm

I am the tempest
seething blackness
blinding charcoal
that clouds my air

I am churning, ruptured
jagged lightening
edges chewing
shredding heart, liver,
bowels carving pieces
of mouth, lips and tongue
when spoken of

I gag on flesh, and blood and teeth
my voice the sounds of thickened liquids
overflowing raw trembling flesh
shouting thunder jolts my bones
smashing like dry branches
crushing and grinding the broken ends
the sharpened shards slicing muscle

I search for the owl's tree
old and steady
small and unafraid
but he is not visible to me
my soul the shredding thunder is
lost among pewter clouds

very raw, very intense, incredible imagery!

----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Alcuin of York -
I agree about the stanza breaks - good idea. One small nit: ‘lightning'

I find the "when spoken of" awkward. The voice suddenly passive, and the concept a bit off, feeling like a non-sequitar to the previous line. Similarly, "my voice the sounds of" might be improved with something more direct, like "my voice runs thick / overflowing..."

The energy of this is impressive, derived by a bluster of words in iambs and spondees. It is very descriptive, but as a purely personal preference, I would have liked a framing of the emotion within an idea - either: Why you are the tempest and not the owl, or what the result has been (or will be).

Finally, I enjoyed reading this and rereading it. It's direct and superior to most posts on this or any other site I've visited.

Alcuin

Callooh -

Rene':

thanks very much! excellent editing suggestions...

Callooh -

Alcuin of York:

thanks for the suggestions!

It came from a story told by a buddhist monk at a international peace service I attended. She spoke of a painting of peace - it was a violent storm, and in a small corner was a sleeping owl, the owl represented peace unaffected by the storm. I was feeling crappy and felt more like the storm, so that's how I came to describe myself.

thanks again. sorry I've been so long responding....

Rene' -

Thank you, Callooh, for letting me play with your poem! You never know if someone will get upset for things like that but that is what I learned to do in writing class during workshops. I love when others play with my stuff. Thank you so much!!

----- could someone turn the world back over, I'm getting dizzy!

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Callooh -

Rene':

my words are here to BE played with - they don't get out much otherwise... (I'd play with them more, but I started to grow hair on my hands)